Co-dependency is simply the loss of sense of self. It is when you do not have the conscious ability to separate yourself emotionally from another or others. The following questionnaire can be helpful in making a beginning self assessment.
If you answered yes to any of the questions you may have a problem with codependency. If you answered yes to 2 or more you definitely have a problem with loss of sense of self, and it would be to your advantage to seek some type of support or help. Help is in the form of SMART Recovery, 12-step groups, therapy, aware friends, Hypnosis, Energy Psychology, educated clergy, peer counseling etc. -- anything except handling it alone.
If you let yourself be honest and you have some, most or all of the above characteristics, you will be glad to hear that there is a way out. I need to be very clear about this next point.
Your recovery or change is directly tied to your willingness to experience your feelings and trust someone to be there for you.
Recovery, change and healing do not happen in a vacuum. Alice Miller author of Drama of the Gifted Child states, and I wholeheartedly agree, “…that it is not the traumatic event or events in your life that is the problem today; it’s your unwillingness or inability to talk about it fully connected to the feelings associated to the event that bring about today’s problems.” So being willing to tell the truth about yourself all the time is a key recovery activity. That’s right, open honest communication with yourself and others is indispensable. I need to say the following to those perfectionists that may be reading this article. Perfect honest communication 100% of the time is not the goal, it’s a setup for failure. The goal is to be willing to be as honest as you can be at the time of each communication and notice, rather than judge your behavior. Remember that recovery is a lifelong process, not a single event.
Since honest communication is such an important part of the recovery process it is worth spending time on. I’ll frame the following information on the Forgiveness Formula as taught by Terry Kellogg, an expert in the recovery field and author of Broken Toys, Broken Dreams. His formula is a follows:
I love this because it is simple, direct and a way I can direct my clients through a healing process.
As far as communication goes, the most important dialogue we have is with ourselves. When we can get honest enough, and have awareness enough to acknowledge that there has been a wrong done to us, we begin to speak the truth about ourselves. We are breaking through walls of fear, denial, minimization, justification, victimization, ignorance etc. to simply get to the surface jumping off point. It is a step in reclaiming our lives. Remember the simple definition of co-dependency is loss of sense of self. So a first step in finding ourselves is to acknowledge that something happened to us when we were growing up.
Now I need to speak to those of you who might say, “My parents did their very best. How can I blame them” or “I don’t want to swim around in all that history. Besides, if they could have done better than they world have.” You’re right. They probably would have if they could have. I really believe that we all simply do what we were taught, covertly and/or overtly, unless we consciously learn to do something different. This process has nothing, that's right, nothing to do with blaming anyone. It is about calming your feelings about what ever happened that you repressed at the time of the event/events. You will repeat what you do not complete. This is a completion process. It’s reclaiming yourself. Your emotions, thought life, spirituality, and sexuality comprise your relationship with yourself, and if any aspect is repressed you do not have a truthful relationship with yourself. If any of this is blocked, you loose. So a first step in recovery is to acknowledge that you had feelings about the wrong done. It is at this point, once again, that your internal dialog will either be helpful or hurtful. Some say, “Why bother getting into the past? Just live your life and forget about the past.” Or, “Why dwell on what you can’t do anything about?” While others use this to rage on and on, in endless self-justified anger, almost refusing to move on to recovery. Others will be found in the middle of the two extremes. When you acknowledge that your behavior had feelings about a wrong done to you, your start an honest internal dialog. It is only when something becomes real that we have the possibility to change. The added healing power of acknowledgment is that you begin an honest caring relationship with yourself.
Sometimes when I lead a guided imagery, I have the people go back to a time when they were 5 to 6 years old. I ask them to create an image of themselves when they were that age. I ask that they look in the eyes of the child and tell the child how much they love them, and that they are sorry for abandoning the child. We abandon ourselves anytime we disown or disconnect from a part of our reality. Usually people begin to cry at this point when they recognize they have played an active role in their problems. Therapy, SMART Recovery, Energy Psychology,12-step programs, God, Church etc. can play and important role in this stage of recovery. Since you do not develop your problems in a vacuum, you need others to affect a recovery. Other people can act as a mirror for the co-dependent to show them their behavior that they may be unaware of at this point. Also other people can make statements as to how they feel about what has happened to you. This sharing process can give you alternative ways to feel or simple validation to your feeling reality. If you were raised with physical, verbal, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual/religious abuse or incest, then your norm is that type of abuse. Unless there is some education to explain what abuse is, you will probably continue to accept it in your life.
Through activities that support your awareness about your feelings around the harm done, you can move to the next phase of recovery which is to embrace your feelings. Honest communication involves connection, and through embracing your feelings you enhance your personal connection. To embrace means to accept, to include. To embrace your feelings means to stop any addictive compulsive behaviors, and end the minimization or rationalizations that block or deflect the emotions. The main reason people avoid their feelings is to negate the pain. I believe that pain has been given a bad name in our society. The belief is that somehow when we are feeling emotions that aren’t joyous we need to get rid of them. Pain is just nature’s way of letting us know that something is wrong. When you can embrace your feelings, you claim your truthful relationship with yourself. Remember in the guided imagery exercise, I talked about how the adult apologizes to the child for abandoning him or her. When you experience, embrace and claim your feelings about what was done to you, you come home to yourself and cease the self-abandonment behaviors. Through the development of inner strength and trust exhibited by embracing your feelings, you are empowered to move to the next stage of recovery and forgiveness, which is to share these feelings with another or others.
Trust is something that needs to be earned by others. When you are looking for someone to share your emotions with, ask questions the see if they have the willingness and ability to really be there for you. Here again self honesty is the key. If your feel like they only have the potential but aren’t quite there yet, move on. Fantasy relationships are just fantasy. Notice how they respond when you ask specific questions, or when you give them some surface information but attach some feeling to it. If they seem to be there for you and notice your distrust, then take the risk and bring it up to them. Remember “nothing changes if nothing changes.” (Ernie Larsen quote.) Trust your gut reaction. Going to a competent therapist or counselor familiar with issues like yours can be a big help. They can provide your support and have skills that can help you move through experiencing your feelings in a very safe environment.
Be sure to interview your therapist or counselor prior to making an agreement to see them long-term. Do not assume they know anything just because they have degrees or credentials. If you do not feel comfortable or helped trust yourself and try another until your find one who meets your needs.
Article written by Michael Yeager B.A., LCDC, C.Ht, RMT, CAS, CTC
Clinical Director of Rapid Healing Wellness Solutions, an outpatient clinic in Houston, Texas. 800-365-5950. Michael is also Owner of Contemporary Teaching, an internationally approved training company offering Home study courses and live presentations for CEOs.